Will it still be good enough?

Evan starts daycare on Monday and all I can think is, will it still be good enough?  Will I still be good enough? It's funny.  While pregnant, I thought about this day and mostly thought, am I going to miss him when I go back or will I be thankful for the break and adult interaction?  Selfish as it may seem, I honestly thought my feelings would either be that I would miss him and want to be around him, and therefore, wish I didn't have to go back to work, or that I would be lonely and bored, and therefore thankful I have a job.  How naive I was. While I have felt both of these emotions, sometimes simultaneously, it doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of how I feel.  Now, all my emotions are centered around, is this best for Evan?

Will I be available when he needs me?  All Evan knows is that when he's crying mommy will sooth him, when he's sleepy mommy will rock him, and when he's hungry mommy will feed him.  That is now about to change.  Will someone else be able to comfort him? Will he be lonely? Will he be happy and make friends?  Will he drive the daycare workers crazy on his fussy days where it seems that all he does is cry?  Will the daycare workers be ready for me to come get him or will they enjoy him like I do?  Will eight hours seem like an eternity to him?  Above all else, I cannot shake the feeling of will I be available for him when he needs me?  Will I know when he needs me?  How can I make myself available when he needs me?  His happiness is my number one priority right now and I am just so anxious about relinquishing control of that happiness to someone else for eight hours every day.

How fast will the time go?  Prior to having Evan, I thought life went by pretty fast.  I know time will only move faster from here on out and I am not sure I like it.  In fact, I am sure I do not like it.  I have enjoyed the time that Evan and I have had together the past 11 weeks.  I have loved the slow days where we do not make it out of our PJs and I have loved the fast days where it seems as if we are going non-stop from sun up to sun down. But mostly, I have enjoyed setting our own pace.  I have enjoyed being able to capture every single moment and remember every single smile, cry, and coo.  How will I remember all of these things with time moving by so quickly?  How will I be able to capture his milestones? How will I take enough pictures and videos for him to look back on when he gets older? How do I prevent him growing up so fast that I do not realize it?  Is that even possible, or should I just make peace with the fact that I will blink my eyes and he will be 18?   I just need to know that time will move slowly, or at least slow enough that I can keep up.

Will I still be available when Evan needs me?  Will the time at least move slow enough that I can capture his memories in my mental treasure chest for years to come?  Will it still be good enough?  God, I hope so.