Limbo

Today was my first day back to work and I am not sure what I was expecting, but it was weird.  My coworkers were great and it was nice to see them.  But, it just seemed like a whole different world.  Almost as if I went back in time and returned to my pre-mom self.  I feel as if I have one version of me where I am a professional and am seen as a competent attorney and a completely different version of myself where I breastfeed every two hours, bounce around with a baby in my arms and spend my free time reading mom blogs.  These two versions seem so completely different. Will it ever mesh together or will I always feel like I have multiple personalities?

Anyway back to the first day.  Evan had a pretty rough night last night, only his second one ever.  Usually he does pretty well overnight, if he wakes to feed he is back to sleep within minutes after eating with no crying.  Not last night.  He woke up every hour from 2 to 5 with a belly ache. Poor guy.  Bill finally got him settled down at 5:30 and I had to wake him back up at 6:45 to get dressed for daycare.  Between Evan's tummy and daylight saving time, this morning was rough.

Dropping Evan off at daycare went well.  However, I couldn't help but to think how permanent it felt.  Starting today, we have entered to routine that will occur daily until Evan is 18.  It is a lot to think about.  It makes me wish I could stop time.

I was able to go visit and feed Evan during lunch.  I loved that time with him and I am so thankful that he is so close to me during the day.  When I got there, Ms. Jackie, his teacher, told me that he had only napped a little that morning, and it was obvious from his face.  He was not crying and appeared to be in a good mood, he was just so sleepy.  I did get this video while I was there.  Before I took the video he was laughing and smiling for me, but once I pulled out my phone, he was too fascinated by it to continue with our little conversation.

Sorry the video is shaky,, it is hard to hold a camera and a baby and talk in my mommy voice at the same time!

Leaving him after lunch was especially hard.  Evan is the youngest baby in his class and one of the only ones that cannot sit up.  When I drop him off or leave, I always place him in the swing next to the teacher.  All of the other kids are usually playing with each other.   I know it is way to early to be worried about him, but I really hope he is able to interact with the other kids soon.  The thought of him sitting by himself while the other kids play breaks my heart.  I really hope the teacher spends time talking to him.  I wish I could stay there and have our little back and forth conversations that I love so much.   He is such a wonderful baby and I just want to make sure that he is happy.  I keep telling myself if all of the other babies (and toddlers and kids) in the daycare appear to be happy and love their teachers, there is no reason to think that Evan will be any different.

I left work at 5:30 and picked up Evan shortly after.  When I arrived, one of his afternoon teachers was rocking and attempting to feed him a bottle, but Evan was having none of it.  The teacher told me that he had been crying and she thought he was hungry but he wasn't taking the bottle.  I picked him up, grabbed the bottle and he instantly took it and relaxed in my arms.  It turned out my sweet baby just missed his mommy.

We were able to play together for a short little while before bath time and bed time.  I have now been on the couch for the past hour and a half just holding him and loving on him, hoping that the night goes by really slow and the weekend gets here really fast.